It's ALWAYS inconvenient to be late

I believe that everyone has a nemesis, and I think I have pinpointed my own.

My nemesis is someone who works in some kind of policy/public relations role at Northern Rail – specifically, whoever is responsible for the wording of announcements.

I caught the train to work today, which is always a bad start, insofar as paying cash up front for the privilege of going to sell my labour empties me of whatever joy may have been present earlier.

I used to do this every day, when I caught the 7.20 train to Leeds. Please note, I have changed the name of the train to protect its reputation. Anyway, this train was delayed by approximately three minutes every single day. Without fail, I would reach the platform only to hear the announcement.

I made me wonder why - if it was genuinely impossible to keep a train that only runs a route of about 30 miles to schedule – they didn't just change the timetable and make it the 7.23 train. Then they could boast about it being on time every single day.

It may seem petty to complain about three minutes. In reply let me point out:

• It rains here every single day, so three minutes seems like a hell of a long time.
• Three minutes, times 250 working days per year, for around two years, is 25 hours I was waiting that three minutes.
• Four posts in and you still think "it's petty" is a reason why I'm NOT going to write about something?

Anyway, getting to the point...

Let me say this clearly: a recorded apology that you play on endless repeat, only editing the details of exactly which train is late and how late it is does not come across as at all sincere. It's not an apology.

I don't believe for one second that you are "sorry" that the 7.20 train for Leeds is delayed by approximately three minutes, and it demeans both you and me that you (Northern Rail) even pretend to believe that your announcement is anything other than irritating. Just tell us how late the train is going to be. Don't tack on an insincere apology.

But if that was the sum total of my complaint, I'd hardly be justified in calling the announcer my nemesis, would I? There are thousands of irritating little things like that thrown in everyone's way every day. What's so special about the relationship between him (I think of my archenemy as a fat man with cold, dead, insect eyes) and me?

Here it is.

The announcement used to say "we apologise for THE inconvenience this may cause to your journey". Now, it says "we apologise for ANY inconvenience this may cause to your journey".

That's not a coincidence. At some level, a conversation took place which went broadly like this:

"You know, I don't think we should just assume that the train being late is inconvenient for passengers. It might not be. They might like it."

"Hmmm...you're right. We don't want to take on any more blame than we have to."

"Yes, so we shouldn't just presume that there is 'the inconvenience' – we should leave it open, and say 'any inconvenience'."

"Great idea. That way, we're only apologising to people who are actually inconvenienced, and not apologising to those who aren't. Nice one boss."

"I don't give a shit about apologising. It'll be a recorded message anyway. The point is, we take on as little blame as we possibly can."

"Ahhh...I see. Hang on, isn't that all already covered by the word 'may' when we say 'may cause to your journey'? We're not saying that it 'will' cause inconvenience. We're saying it 'may'. We're already disavowing responsibility, aren't we?"

"Maybe, but I think changing 'the' to 'any' is a business-critical step."

"Isn't this all a bit trivial?"

"You're fired."

What possible reason could there be for changing "the" to "any" other than something like the above? And how could it have happened without some thought process like that above taking place and a decision being made to change it?

Why do I care?

It's the sort of linguistic weaselry and low-level attempt at mind control that I can't bear – and as you can see, I can't help imagining that there's someone just as pedantic as me out there working for the forces of darkness.