It was not an idle threat. I really
have grown a handlebar moustache – albeit a fairly discrete one, which I
can just about go around in public unremarked
on when it's unwaxed and downward pointing.
Here are some of my reflections on it:
1. Moustache wax, when applied without the aid of a mirror,
does have the appearance of semi-dried-in mucus. No one likes a careless
sneezer.
2. Victorian men must have drunk exclusively using straws, because it is impossible to drink – say –
a pint without absorbing a lot of beer into the moustache through capillary
action. I have been unable to find pictorial confirmation of this (on Google),
and therefore assume there is a conspiracy to suppress this information.
3. I can now quite easily pass myself off as Belgian. If I have
a dog in a coat with me, the disguise is impenetrable.
4. Trimming a large moustache is hard work, particularly if you
are not 100% ambidextrous. Careless topiary results in a disagreeable asymmetry.
Failure to trim leads quickly to the sort of regrettable display depicted
above.
5. Women – specifically but not limited to my wife – are generally
not appreciative of the delights of the moustache.
I have been reminded that men with moustaches did indeed use special drinking vessels - known as "moustache cups" - in order to keep their beverages out of their facial hair.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, moustache cups hold a special place in my heart - as repeated reference to one was merely the FIRST thing I failed to make sense of when I read "Ulysses". It is also one of the very few of those things I have since figured out.
Nevertheless, I remain convinced that beer was never drunk out of a moustache cup - and that therefore straws or some kind of waterproof snood must have been necessary.