Apparently, the UK's Eurovision entry – former second-tier boyband Blue – will do a naked photoshoot for the Daily Star if they win Saturday's competition.
There are a couple of small flaws in this strategy for victory.
Firstly, the Daily Star is read almost exclusively by white van men and prisoners, who are characteristically neither likely to be Eurovision fans nor to wish to see pictures of naked men in their 30s.
Secondly, unless ABC figures are wildly off, the Daily Star is little read in the 44 OTHER EBU member states, whose citizens are the only ones actually entitled to vote for the British entry.
No matter how popular the reformed Blue might in the UK – I use the word "reformed" in the same sense as food packaging companies use it to refer to their cheaper meat products – and no matter how tantalising the prospect of seeing pictures of them holding a Union Flag across their collective naughty bits in a newspaper for people who can't understand the long words they use in The Sun, we can't vote for them.
Still, no matter what you think about Blue, they are considerably less pathetic than Ireland's entry.
Presumably operating on the Father Ted principle (Ireland having no money at all left with which to put on next year's debacle), Ireland has put forward subnormal teenage fantasists Jedward.
As a slight aside, the only thing that was ever funny about these two has been sacrificed in calling them "Jedward" – that is, the way they introduced themselves by saying "I'm John; and I'm Edward; and together we are John and Edward".
Hopefully, they will be eliminated in Thursday's "semi final" (for anyone who has not watched Eurovision for a few years, this is a new process by which they eliminate the shit songs from small or poor countries, so that only the best go through to compete against the shit songs from large or rich countries).
So, buoyed up by my triumphant efforts at encouraging everyone to vote for AV, I urge all ODHSNM readers to vote for Albania's Aurela Gaçe (pictured) – not just because the song is bonkers in true Eurovision style, but also because there is an eagle in the video, and eagles are AWESOME.
Plus if Albania wins, Terry Wogan will probably have a stroke.
Point of order Mr Chairman, isn't it Graham Norton not El'Tel these days? I watched some of the semi last night, no, I'm not sure why, I liked Georgia and Switzerland. Portugal have also taken the My Lovely Horse route, they're skint too.
ReplyDeleteThat's right - Norton presents it these days. My point was (as per "Diggi-Loo Diggi-Ley" below) that Wogan flounced out of the job complaining that these East European upstarts had no respect for the UK's god-given right to win by voting for each other instead of us. So VOTE ALBANIA!
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