'King Boring

It is simply not good enough in these times that the monarchy carries on with its dreary rules on naming kings and queens.

Look at them all (up there). If they ever get a crack of the whip, Prince Charles will be King Charles the Third and Prince William will be King William the Fifth. YAWN.

Were you even aware there was a William the Fourth (1830-1837)? I think the sole evidence of his existence is in pub names.

Way back when, monarchs had much better titles than they do today – and I think that reviving some of these traditions is essential if the Royals are to have continuing relevance after we the public have forgotten about Pippa Middleton's arse.

Broadly, there are two alternatives to the tedious, backward-looking numerical sequence.

• The Viking approach – giving your monarch a (not always complimentary) nickname on the basis of some characteristic. For example, Harald Bluetooth and multiple Sven Forkbeards.
• The "the" approach – much more common throughout history, you've got [First name] the [What are they like?]. Hence, William the Conqueror, Charles the Bald, William the Silent, Pepin the Short, August the Strong, Joanna the Mad and my personal favourite (and a Viking exception to the breakdown suggested, no less) Ivar the Boneless.

A short digression on August the Strong. He was – amongst other things - King of Poland in the late 17^th and early 18^th century.

Back then, the King of Poland was "elected" – which meant in practice that it was a runners-up prize offered by other rulers to aristocratic Europeans unlikely to get to the Big Chair in their own countries.

Managing director of the IMF anyone? PARP PARP.

And "the Saxon Hercules" allegedly fathered 365 children in his time, so "the rutting chimpanzee" has a bit of catching up to do.

Anyway, back to our own unimpeachably admirable Saxe-Coburg-Gothas.

Sometimes, you have to go backwards to go forwards.

And I think that the public could really learn to love King Charles the Big-Eared or King Charles the Tedious.

Indeed, I am normally of a fairly republican frame of mind, but even I would be glad to get behind the monarchy if we were looking at King William Horseface or – better yet - King Harold Gingernuts.