What I have learned about babies

Our youngest had his first bottle of ordinary cow milk today. OK, that was the product of a slight misunderstanding on my part, but oh well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Tancred – pictured here shortly after his emergence into the outside world - is now one year old and is on the brink of walking. He can do it pretty well when supported, but simply prefers to crawl around – it being generally quicker and less likely to end in falling on his face.

So, as I was leaving the house, Elvira and I agreed that Tancred is now not a baby, but a toddler – meaning that the baby-owner/operator stage of our lives is (god willing) over.

This is sad in some ways. Four years ago, I didn't like babies at all. Now I do. I even like babies that are not related to me. I particularly like babies that I have no responsibilities towards other than to briefly amuse before moving well away. And babies are a hell of a lot nicer than toddlers.

Anyway, I thought that at this time it would be appropriate for me to share with you all what I have learned about babies before it all leaks out of the rusty, corroded and poorly lagged pipework of my memory and all that's left is mouldy patches under the lino of history.

1. Baby poo is not frightening

The fear of poo is a big concern for non-parents and new parents. In fact, it is considerably less unpleasant than many day-to-day substances. Cat food, for example.

Newborn babies produce something called meconium, which is greeny-black and alarming to look at, but not generally a problem because it soaks straight into nappies.

Thereafter, what they produce while on a purely liquid diet is no problem either. It typically looks like bird seed in a korma sauce and doesn't smell of anything much. You have to change this kind of baby's nappy every hour or so – so you get plenty of exposure.

It's only when you start weaning them onto solid foods that babies start to produce the kind of noxious, sticky and highly mobile substances that you rightly fear. By then, you should be well prepared.

2. Newborn babies are not fun

Culture and social pressure all assure us that, as soon as you see your new baby for the first time, you are overwhelmed with love for it. Naturally, if this does not happen, you (i) feel immensely guilty and (ii) pretend that it did happen, because you would be publicly marked as a psychopath otherwise.

Well, I'm going to let you on in a little secret. This takes time. Newborn babies are no fun at all. They don't do anything other than flop about and react extremely badly to pretty much every stimulus. Or lack of stimulus.

Your newborn baby will not smile, laugh or even look straight at you with any kind of recognition. They don't do that. Until they are about three months old, babies are pure burden.

Plus, as a new parent, you will have to get used to the kind of self-effacement that does not come naturally to a generation that is used to putting itself first, second and third. You won't sleep, you won't be able to do anything you want to do and you'll be driven to distraction by perpetual crying for which you can find no reason whatsoever.

Sorry, but it's true. The first three months of a new parent's life is really hard because you have to dedicate yourself completely to this little lump that just takes, takes, takes and gives nothing back – and you have been led to believe (i) that it does and (ii) that you're entitled to "me time".

Of course, the love is building up unconsciously – and when they do finally smile, laugh or otherwise acknowledge your existence it bursts through and you realise "Aha! That's what they meant!" and it all falls into place. But unless you've been brought up around babies – which most people these days haven't – you'll be on the brink of collapse into full-blown insanity until that point.

3. Babies are philistines

No matter what your good intentions are in kitting out your baby with lovely old-fashioned wooden toys straight out of the imaginary Dickensian childhood that neither you nor anyone else you know ever had, it will always prefer a gaudy piece of non-sustainable plastic that makes a shrieking noise composed of pure migraine.

The only circumstances under which babies prefer wood to plastic is when they are chewing it.

4. "Baa Baa Black Sheep" is THE SAME as "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"

Most of the horrible shrieking toy noises you will have to endure will be one of these tunes. And it will gradually dawn on you that they are THE SAME.

They differ slightly at the "one for the little boy who lives down the lane"/"like a diamond in the sky" parts – although you can still, a la I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, easily sing one to the tune of the other – and "Twinkle Twinkle..." has an extra line at the end. But for all intents and purposes, they are the same.

You will come to hate them both.

And that, dear friends, is everything I have learned about babies. I hope it hasn't put you off – because much like learning to play the piano, it might be a real drag to begin with, but it definitely pays off if you stick with it.

If anyone else has learned anything about babies, please do share with the class below.