The Horn

​If your car does not have a properly functioning horn, it will fail its MOT.

I find this rather surprising, insofar as the only function a car horn has is to declare to the listening world that the driver sounding it is a wanker.

Let us consider the full range of situations in which any driver in the UK has ever used their horn:

Situation 1
Intended meaning: “You just behaved in a way which caused me a slight inconvenience and/or to caused me to turn my steering wheel/slow down when I didn’t want to – I am unreasonably angry about that”
Meaning actually conveyed: “I am a wanker”

Situation 2
Intended meaning: “Someone is breaking into my car. Hopefully this noise will scare them off rather than encourage others to join in”
Meaning actually conveyed: “I am a wanker”

Situation 3
Intended meaning: “The traffic lights have changed and you have not noticed it as quickly as me”
Meaning actually conveyed: “I am a wanker”

Situation 4
Intended meaning: “I recognise you! Hello! Oh dear, you have had a heart attack”
Meaning actually conveyed: “I am a wanker”

Situation 5
Intended meaning: "Get out of the way pigeon - no, THAT pigeon, not all of you in a 500 metre radius"
Meaning actually conveyed: "I am a wanker"

Situation 6
Intended meaning: “I am sitting outside your house. Come out, because I am not coming to the door”
Meaning actually conveyed: “I am a wanker. And also a taxi driver”