Bankers are not the only wankers

It has probably been about 25 years or so since the first cash machines started to appear in British banks – at least in the kind of provincial towns I grew up in.

And when I say "in" they literally were inside the banks, which was not terribly convenient given that banks closed at around 3pm on weekdays and didn't open on weekends.

This was not a great inconvenience to me, as being ten years old at the time, I rarely had a call to withdraw money from the bank.

And yet how I longed to have a card I could put into that machine, press the specific keys for different amounts of money (for 'twas not a numberpad in the early days) and receive shiny new banknotes in exchange.

Indeed, the very thought of receiving banknotes without having write a thank you letter afterwards was pretty exciting back then.

Anyway, I digress.

You would think that after 25 or so years, there would be fewer people around who have NO BLOODY CLUE what they're doing when confronted with a cash point.

Let me explain in case any of you are reading:

1. Put your card in. The one that has the bank's name on it.

2. Enter your PIN. It's four digits for god's sake. If you can't remember a four digit number, you probably shouldn't be allowed to handle cash.

3. Follow the BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS instructions that appear on screen.

4. Take your money and GO. Put it into your wallet AS YOU WALK AWAY, NOT WHILE CONTINUING TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE DAMN MACHINE.

Point 4, indeed, applies at supermarket checkouts as well. Tidy up the myriad of vouchers, receipts and loyalty cards in your purse AFTER YOU HAVE MOVED AWAY FROM THE TILL, so that the cashier can start putting through my stuff. You big silly billy.

I will admit that there is one ambiguous instruction that most cash machines give you – although I doubt it will be what is causing the bewildered rustics I usually find myself standing behind to be baffled.

If it says "enter the sum you wish to withdraw as a multiple of £10" and I want to withdraw £50, the correct thing to enter is "5" – not "50". And yet, no matter how long I remonstrate with machines for, they never accept the ambiguity.