On one of the trains I frequently catch to and from work, there's usually a group of three "blokes" who stand around and talk endlessly about football.
Tedious at any time, I hear you say, and I agree. But these three are particularly tiresome, because they're not even talking about actual football. No, they are talking about fantasy football. So, day in, day out, they discuss how they "got" Gerrard then got rid of him and more shite that I can barely even be bothered to relate.
Yes, they're talking about the effects of things in the real world (man kicks ball) on a little imaginary world of their own (their made-up team scores points). Jesus wept.
Now, as if any more evidence that football is in fact an esoteric financial instrument rather than anything that exists in reality were needed, the development of a derivatives market around it (fantasy football, in case you're not following) is surely the clincher.
My dislike of football will be documented in a future post – it's too detailed to cover here.
However, if it's ok for grown men to make-believe about the exploits of thick chavs – whose evasion of a life split between the pub, the JobCentre and various baby-mothers' councils flats is due solely to the pure fluke of having an innate talent for a fundamentally pointless activity – then why don't we also play pretend governments and political systems? If people didn't imagine political alternatives, the world would look rather like North Africa three weeks ago.
So, here we go. First off, my imaginary UK is a republic with an elected but largely apolitical president. Sorry Mum.
But who better to fill that role than Sir David Attenborough?
He's been around almost as long as the Queen, and I don't know anyone who has anything other than respect for him.
OK, in the black and white days, he did kidnap animals from the wild for zoos, but hey, it was a different time back then. And OK, today, he is a bit of a climate change bore in the quasi-religious vein.
But, he would be the perfect "father of the nation" figure. Hell, I'd even accept him as king if it was a deal-breaker.
My second appointment is Justin Fletcher as education minister. "Who?" says everyone who doesn't have pre-school children.
Yes, when Roger Jr first started watching CBeebies, I detested Justin and Mr Tumble as any sane adult would. Of course he comes across as irritating to someone whose mind is not geared towards the thinking of toddlers. As I came to understand child mentality (or regress, as you prefer), I came to grasp that this is a man who gets kids – and whose work does nothing but good and with whom no one can really disagree. So he's the perfect person to take responsibility for the Youth of Today.
Yes, I realise that this burst of positivity is uncharacteristic and not entirely in keeping with the general tone of this blog. But I don't care. Only he who has high hopes has the right to be cynical when he sees them frustrated.
More appointments to the government will be announced in due course.
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