Miliband=Portillo

I have a personal issue to declare with David Miliband.

I was at a Labour conference fringe meeting years ago in Blackpool for work purposes, and I won a raffle prize which he presented. Miliband Major - pictured here as he then, as a mere education minister and quintessential nerd, appeared - got my name wrong. Despite my having written pretty damn clearly on the piece of paper. He made me sound like my name is a kind of pus-filled bubo.

Maybe you should have got your contacts or had your eyes lasered or whatever it is has stopped you needing glasses a little earlier David?

So it fills me with delight to realise that he's now turning into the late, little-lamented Michael Portillo.

1. They both bottled their big chances to take over his party – Miliband against Brown, Portillo against Major.

2. They both failed miserably in contests they ought to have won when they finally deigned to stand – Portillo against Iain Duncan Smith FFS, Miliband against his little brother.

3. Portillo is now not a politician, but a TV personality (maybe next year for Dancing on Ice, Michael!). Well, Miliband may struggle on the "personality" front, but oh look here he goes.

I've got a few TV ideas for the former foreign secretary as well:

1. "New" detective drama - "Miliband". He's a loner, he's a genius, he has issues, he loves bananas. Based on the series of novels by Ralph Miliband.

2. Full-time panellist on "Loose Women". Self-explanatory really. His discomfort is already palpable.

3. Post-midnight ITV2 phone-in poker host.

4. QVC jewellery demonstrator.

David, let me give you some advice. If you go into TV, you'll have to learn to read things put in front of you correctly. Imagine if on Loose Women you introduced Michael Ball as "Michael Boyle". All hell would break loose.

And while you're at it, how about representing the good people of South Shields who elected you as their MP back in May 2010 for a little while longer yet?